Worldly Expectations

I like to think I am so focused on God that the world's expectations do not matter to me.  That somehow, my inner beauty will make up for what I lack in outer beauty.

I do not think I'm hideous.  I'm much happier with who I am than I have ever been in my life, and I know that my family and friends think I'm pretty.  What I did not realize was how much I had internalized what I saw in the media.  I've always known that the women on tv did not look like me.  They always had lighter skin, and I never fit into the "racially different friend" slot, either. 

My skin is darker than the rest of my family.  My hair is kinky and curly and very dark brown.  My nose is wide, and I'm really short.  I'm not conventionally beautiful, and that's ok.  I was not the girl that got all the dates in high school.  Instead, I'm the girl that had to learn Spanish out of self defense.  I hated it as a kid (I would rather be seen as who I am, not as who people think I am.)  However, it has worked well with the demographic that I teach.  Because of the way I look, I am able to break through barriers with my students more quickly.  I look like them so they immediately connect with me on some level. 

I thought I had gotten over my insecurities with how different I look.  Then, I got a text from my cousin this morning telling me that he was watching me on Game of Thrones last night.  When I looked up the actress, I had the weirdest moment of my life.  There I was!  Finally, there was someone on tv that looked like me!  She was also in Whale Rider, and I had been told I looked like her before...but that was when I was much younger and I was in my awkward phase.  Now, we still look a lot alike...but she is BEAUTIFUL.  Finally, my nose did not feel as wide.  My curly hair felt like an asset.  It's so stupid, but seeing my face in Hollywood made it suddenly ok to be me.  Posting her fierce picture on Facebook and seeing how many people had thought it was me while watching made it suddenly feel like I was out of my awkward phases.

However, the most important thing is that I now feel loveable.  It's so stupid, but just seeing someone that looked like me made such a difference.  Not only is she stunning, but she also plays an awesomely strong female character.  I can embrace who I am and not overthink it anymore.   I also hate that it made that much of a difference, but I'm accepting my conflicted feelings on this for now.

Inner character is still way more important...but as someone who was an ugly duckling, it feel good to feel beautiful once in a while.

Reflections on the Sorrowful Mysteries

In an effort to spend more time on things that fill me up, I am challenging myself to choose prayer first.  When I am angry, I pray first.  When I am sad, I pray first.  When I am happy, I pray first.  That way, my responses are grounded in prayer and trust in God.  I am not perfect at this at all, but it's changing the way I respond to everything around me.

This week has been especially challenging because it is May.  We do not finish school until June, and that last month of school is absolute hell.  Just ask any teacher.  The kids have lost their minds and I'm not far behind them.  Add in tons of state testing and my sanity is almost gone.  Luckily, state testing also allows me four hours of silence and plenty of prayer time!  This particular one was much needed due to frustrations that popped up right in the beginning of my day.

1.  The Agony in the Garden

Jesus was praying for those who were persecuting him as well as those he was suffering for.  He prayed for all of us.

Who is hurting me now?  Am I responding in anger or am I praying for them instead?

 

It is so easy to respond quickly when someone hurts you.  Instead, I need to stop and ask myself, why are they doing this?  Am I taking a moment to pray instead that whatever is causing them pain is eased by my response?  Am I asking them what is wrong and how I can help?

2.  The Scourging at the Pillar

Jesus was taking on punishment for us.  He was willing to be beaten because He knew it was for our salvation, and He decided that was worth it.

How can I take on something for the people who are hurting me?  Who do they need me to be for them?

 

This is easiest for those people who are actually in our lives.  For my friends, I know what things they tend to drop when they are stressed and I can pick those up.  Maybe, for coworkers, it's sticking a note in their mailbox or sending a kid into their room with a candy bar.  Maybe it's taking over their lunch duty.  It will look different for everyone, but I need to seek out those opportunities.

3.  The Crowning with Thorns
By putting a crown of thorns on Christ's head, using it as an instrument of torture, and mocking him, they were attacking his innermost identity.  There were turning his title of King into a joke.

How can I remain rooted in who I am even when the world challenges that?

 

When life gets crazy and work is insane, the first thing I'm tempted to drop is daily mass.  "I have so much work to do, maybe I need to stay late today."  "We have so many deliverables due since it's the end of the year, I'm going to do that instead of checking in with students during independent practice."  My core identity is as a Catholic, and teaching is my vocation.  If I am doing things that are not directly tied to those two identities, I am allowing the world to mock who I am.  I am changing to fit the world's expectations when really I know what is most important and need to remain focused on those things.

4.  The Carrying of the Cross
Christ was forced to carry his cross for us, but Simon was appointed to help him. 

How can I be Simon?  How can I advocate for others or help them with their burden?

 

I see this all the time.  That first year teacher is overwhelmed because we have too many deadlines on top of each other.  Teachers are having a hard time making it to duty because children are in our classroom.  Some teachers are not actively on duty, forcing other teachers to take up the slack.  What can I do to help make the situation better?  Can I have a conversation with that other teacher to help lighten everyone's load?  Can I move around more to make it a little easier?

5.  The Crucifixion
Christ gave the ultimate sacrifice for us.  His death on the cross made our salvation possible.

What sacrifices do I need to make for others?

 

Sometimes, helping others will mean sacrificing.  Maybe I need to give up my lunch period.  Maybe I need to sacrifice work time to have a conversation with a coworker that I don't know well.  Maybe I need to sacrifice money to buy someone a candy bar.  As long as those sacrifices are investing in others, I need to consider them.

I am not a nun.  I am not a mother.  I am, however, a teacher who has the opportunity to interact with so many students every day.  How I interact with them shapes how they interact with others.  By modeling Christ's love for them, they will spread it as well.  It is my job to use my vocation to serve God.

What Fills You Up?

Recently, adoration has been my preferred method of prayer.  I go through phases where different types of prayer speak to me most.  For a while, it was LOTH.  Then, it was the rosary.  I still regularly do both of these, but adoration has been the most fulfilling. 

It started when I discovered that adoration chapels exist.  Here in Houston, we have one that has perpetual adoration (technically not perpetual...but for all intents and purposes it is!)  I have also found adoration schedules at several close churches that fit my own schedule.  Since then, I have made a point of visiting these chapels regularly.  I also found the following reasons as to why it works well for me:
1.  I need quiet time.  I teach middle school, need I say more?
2.  I spent my whole day talking and it forces me to sit back and listen.
3.  I get a chance to read books!!!  The adoration chapels I like the most have several books available, one of which I will talk about in a minute.
4.  I can still do my other favorite methods of prayer!  I can pray a rosary, read the readings for tomorrow, complete the Examen, whatever I feel like.
5.  I spend a lot of time praying every day, but I don't spend much time listening.  I make it a point to pray until I can't anymore, then I shut up and sit there, letting God answer.
6.  Zen.  I don't leave until I feel at peace.  If that is 10:30, so be it.

Recently, I have been reading "Could You Not Watch With Me One Hour?" by Fr. Florian Racine.  I fell in love with it and purchased a copy of my own, as well as an additional to hopefully set up an adoration book case at my own parish.  Last night, I was reflecting on the section starting on page 243.  It talked about how, in order to truly spread Christ's message authentically, you need to be so filled up on your own that you just cannot help spilling out over everyone else.  The filling up portion, in this book, refers to time spent in adoration.  The spilling out then refers to evangelization.

I realized that I have not been able to "spill out" because I am focusing too much on things that do not fill me up.  After praying for guidance, I sat back and listened.  God very quickly revealed to me the activities that filled me up, and that these needed to become "YES" invitations.  I need to make them a priority.  There are also some people that always fill me up, and so any invitation from them will be an automatic yes.  Everything else is maybe.

I was both surprised and not about what is on my list.  Teaching definitely is, but not any of my additional activities at school.  Most prayer moments and daily mass made it.  Certain people are rather new to my life but they are on there.  Some are old friends.  Surprisingly, youth ministry was not.  I think God may be answering my question as to whether or not I should do it again next year.  Over the next few weeks, I plan to pare down my schedule as much as possible according to this list.

I think my list will change over the next few months, but for now I have a pretty great place to start!

Knocked On My Butt

Sometimes, my life feels very extreme.  I do so well for a while, and something awful comes along.  I spent Sunday with the Cardinal (and by "with" I mean far away from, except for when he let us take a picture with him.)  Our Confirmation students received the sacrament of Confirmation, including the beautiful young woman I sponsored.  It was a joyous occasion, culminating with my sponsee (is that a word?) asking how she could get involved with Eucharistic Ministry!

I had already known that this week would be extremely busy, and I had prepared for it.  I had all of my grades completed, and a whole bunch of stuff turned in before the deadline.  I set up mass and coffee, as well as a Holy Hour, with different friends so that I would be prepared for my students to take their state test on Wednesday.  I knew that I would not sleep, so I did as much as I could ahead of time so that being brain dead would not slow me down as much.  I thought I was preparing for my own busy life, but really God was preparing me for something that would stop me in my tracks.

One of my Confirmation students relapsed.  He had brain cancer last year, but had gone into remission.  It's back, cannot be operated on, and is also resistant to chemotherapy.  When he texted me the news, I started crying in the middle of class.  It has been on and off crying since then.

I know that God has a plan, but that does not mean it does not hurt or make me sad or make me angry.  My immediate response was, "it's not fair."  Fair does not matter, though.  I have no idea what God's plan for this young man is, but I do know that he will face it with far more courage than I ever could.  Today, I challenged myself to recognize where God was holding me up.  He held me up through my students, who immediately rushed to my side when they saw me crying.  He held me up through my coworkers, who hugged me and told me to take a break if I needed to.  He held me up through mass with a friend, set up way before I knew what today would hold.  He offered me solace in Adoration so that I could end my day well.  As much as He challenged me today, he lifted me up way more.

Maybe there will be a miracle, maybe there won't.  After mass and Adoration, I'm ok with either.  For now.

Venturing into the Unknown?

Youth Ministry is what has given me peace and helped me to find the one thing in life I know I was made for:  teaching.  I taught religious education at my former church to multiple ages while I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do.  It has helped me find the beauty of the Church, deepen my faith, as well as led me to the strongest connections I have in Texas.  Yet, I find myself wondering whether it is still my ministry.

The staff at my current parish is about to change.  This staff change is not the reason that I am thinking about leaving youth ministry, but the transition made me realize I need to start figuring out what I want to be involved in.  I'm not sure that I'm ready to commit to another year of it, and I am not willing to do it if I am not 100% in it.  That's not how I roll.  There are so many things that I could do, and I want to make sure that I am opening myself up to God's will rather than my own.  It's entirely possible that I have been in youth ministry because I'm good at it, and it is feeding my ego rather than fulfilling God's will.

I do not have an easy answer to what is coming next, but I do know this:  prayer is the answer.  I have found myself so much more at ease since starting to discern mission work/religious life/third order life than I have ever been.  Seriously, I have never been this at ease.  A friend cut himself at my house and I was ridiculously calm.  All of that is because of God's grace, and I know he will lead me to whatever it is I need to do.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I already know it.  I just have to admit it to myself!

Holy Thursday

Of all the masses during the year, Holy Thursday is one of my favorites. I was blessed this year to participate in the washing of the feet for the second time in my life. The last time was the year I was confirmed, and I appreciated it so much more this year.

The idea behind the washing of the feet comes from scripture where Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. By humbling himself before them, He shows that he is serving them. In life, we are all serving one another and seeing that play out on the altar is a wonderful reminder of that. Father said it best today. We all understand how important it is to wash other people's feet, but how often do we let others wash ours?  I'm perfectly willing (in fact, I actively seek) to help others, yet I am so resistant to accepting help. This year, I strive to accept other's help and advice in areas where I know I can use it. Not only that, Jesus is investing our most valuable resource into the disciples:  time.

After mass, I was able to go to dinner with two of our. Confirmation students. The fact that we had two go to mass today was impressive enough, so when they asked to go to dinner, I dropped everything and said yes!  I have learned how to recognize the extremely important relationship building opportunities, and I knew this was one I could not pass up. Not only did I get to share my love of the liturgy by sharing my missal with them during mass, but we also talked about the Jesuit examen, Liturgy of the Hours, and lots of silly stuff. I will take those opportunities every time I see them, regardless of what my schedule looks like. Time invested in people is never wasted, as shown by Jesus' washing of the feet.

Holy Week

It is that wonderful time of year again where we finish our preparations for  Christ's resurrection and our salvation through Him.  Lent is "over" (though some argue it continues until Easter Sunday.)  We enter into the Easter Triduum this Thursday, and all of the amazing readings and traditions associated with Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and the Easter Vigil.  Remember that this time of year is the source of all of our faith.  Without Christ's sacrifice on the cross, our salvation would not have been possible.