Worldly Expectations

I like to think I am so focused on God that the world's expectations do not matter to me.  That somehow, my inner beauty will make up for what I lack in outer beauty.

I do not think I'm hideous.  I'm much happier with who I am than I have ever been in my life, and I know that my family and friends think I'm pretty.  What I did not realize was how much I had internalized what I saw in the media.  I've always known that the women on tv did not look like me.  They always had lighter skin, and I never fit into the "racially different friend" slot, either. 

My skin is darker than the rest of my family.  My hair is kinky and curly and very dark brown.  My nose is wide, and I'm really short.  I'm not conventionally beautiful, and that's ok.  I was not the girl that got all the dates in high school.  Instead, I'm the girl that had to learn Spanish out of self defense.  I hated it as a kid (I would rather be seen as who I am, not as who people think I am.)  However, it has worked well with the demographic that I teach.  Because of the way I look, I am able to break through barriers with my students more quickly.  I look like them so they immediately connect with me on some level. 

I thought I had gotten over my insecurities with how different I look.  Then, I got a text from my cousin this morning telling me that he was watching me on Game of Thrones last night.  When I looked up the actress, I had the weirdest moment of my life.  There I was!  Finally, there was someone on tv that looked like me!  She was also in Whale Rider, and I had been told I looked like her before...but that was when I was much younger and I was in my awkward phase.  Now, we still look a lot alike...but she is BEAUTIFUL.  Finally, my nose did not feel as wide.  My curly hair felt like an asset.  It's so stupid, but seeing my face in Hollywood made it suddenly ok to be me.  Posting her fierce picture on Facebook and seeing how many people had thought it was me while watching made it suddenly feel like I was out of my awkward phases.

However, the most important thing is that I now feel loveable.  It's so stupid, but just seeing someone that looked like me made such a difference.  Not only is she stunning, but she also plays an awesomely strong female character.  I can embrace who I am and not overthink it anymore.   I also hate that it made that much of a difference, but I'm accepting my conflicted feelings on this for now.

Inner character is still way more important...but as someone who was an ugly duckling, it feel good to feel beautiful once in a while.

Reflections on the Sorrowful Mysteries

In an effort to spend more time on things that fill me up, I am challenging myself to choose prayer first.  When I am angry, I pray first.  When I am sad, I pray first.  When I am happy, I pray first.  That way, my responses are grounded in prayer and trust in God.  I am not perfect at this at all, but it's changing the way I respond to everything around me.

This week has been especially challenging because it is May.  We do not finish school until June, and that last month of school is absolute hell.  Just ask any teacher.  The kids have lost their minds and I'm not far behind them.  Add in tons of state testing and my sanity is almost gone.  Luckily, state testing also allows me four hours of silence and plenty of prayer time!  This particular one was much needed due to frustrations that popped up right in the beginning of my day.

1.  The Agony in the Garden

Jesus was praying for those who were persecuting him as well as those he was suffering for.  He prayed for all of us.

Who is hurting me now?  Am I responding in anger or am I praying for them instead?

 

It is so easy to respond quickly when someone hurts you.  Instead, I need to stop and ask myself, why are they doing this?  Am I taking a moment to pray instead that whatever is causing them pain is eased by my response?  Am I asking them what is wrong and how I can help?

2.  The Scourging at the Pillar

Jesus was taking on punishment for us.  He was willing to be beaten because He knew it was for our salvation, and He decided that was worth it.

How can I take on something for the people who are hurting me?  Who do they need me to be for them?

 

This is easiest for those people who are actually in our lives.  For my friends, I know what things they tend to drop when they are stressed and I can pick those up.  Maybe, for coworkers, it's sticking a note in their mailbox or sending a kid into their room with a candy bar.  Maybe it's taking over their lunch duty.  It will look different for everyone, but I need to seek out those opportunities.

3.  The Crowning with Thorns
By putting a crown of thorns on Christ's head, using it as an instrument of torture, and mocking him, they were attacking his innermost identity.  There were turning his title of King into a joke.

How can I remain rooted in who I am even when the world challenges that?

 

When life gets crazy and work is insane, the first thing I'm tempted to drop is daily mass.  "I have so much work to do, maybe I need to stay late today."  "We have so many deliverables due since it's the end of the year, I'm going to do that instead of checking in with students during independent practice."  My core identity is as a Catholic, and teaching is my vocation.  If I am doing things that are not directly tied to those two identities, I am allowing the world to mock who I am.  I am changing to fit the world's expectations when really I know what is most important and need to remain focused on those things.

4.  The Carrying of the Cross
Christ was forced to carry his cross for us, but Simon was appointed to help him. 

How can I be Simon?  How can I advocate for others or help them with their burden?

 

I see this all the time.  That first year teacher is overwhelmed because we have too many deadlines on top of each other.  Teachers are having a hard time making it to duty because children are in our classroom.  Some teachers are not actively on duty, forcing other teachers to take up the slack.  What can I do to help make the situation better?  Can I have a conversation with that other teacher to help lighten everyone's load?  Can I move around more to make it a little easier?

5.  The Crucifixion
Christ gave the ultimate sacrifice for us.  His death on the cross made our salvation possible.

What sacrifices do I need to make for others?

 

Sometimes, helping others will mean sacrificing.  Maybe I need to give up my lunch period.  Maybe I need to sacrifice work time to have a conversation with a coworker that I don't know well.  Maybe I need to sacrifice money to buy someone a candy bar.  As long as those sacrifices are investing in others, I need to consider them.

I am not a nun.  I am not a mother.  I am, however, a teacher who has the opportunity to interact with so many students every day.  How I interact with them shapes how they interact with others.  By modeling Christ's love for them, they will spread it as well.  It is my job to use my vocation to serve God.