Worldly Expectations

I like to think I am so focused on God that the world's expectations do not matter to me.  That somehow, my inner beauty will make up for what I lack in outer beauty.

I do not think I'm hideous.  I'm much happier with who I am than I have ever been in my life, and I know that my family and friends think I'm pretty.  What I did not realize was how much I had internalized what I saw in the media.  I've always known that the women on tv did not look like me.  They always had lighter skin, and I never fit into the "racially different friend" slot, either. 

My skin is darker than the rest of my family.  My hair is kinky and curly and very dark brown.  My nose is wide, and I'm really short.  I'm not conventionally beautiful, and that's ok.  I was not the girl that got all the dates in high school.  Instead, I'm the girl that had to learn Spanish out of self defense.  I hated it as a kid (I would rather be seen as who I am, not as who people think I am.)  However, it has worked well with the demographic that I teach.  Because of the way I look, I am able to break through barriers with my students more quickly.  I look like them so they immediately connect with me on some level. 

I thought I had gotten over my insecurities with how different I look.  Then, I got a text from my cousin this morning telling me that he was watching me on Game of Thrones last night.  When I looked up the actress, I had the weirdest moment of my life.  There I was!  Finally, there was someone on tv that looked like me!  She was also in Whale Rider, and I had been told I looked like her before...but that was when I was much younger and I was in my awkward phase.  Now, we still look a lot alike...but she is BEAUTIFUL.  Finally, my nose did not feel as wide.  My curly hair felt like an asset.  It's so stupid, but seeing my face in Hollywood made it suddenly ok to be me.  Posting her fierce picture on Facebook and seeing how many people had thought it was me while watching made it suddenly feel like I was out of my awkward phases.

However, the most important thing is that I now feel loveable.  It's so stupid, but just seeing someone that looked like me made such a difference.  Not only is she stunning, but she also plays an awesomely strong female character.  I can embrace who I am and not overthink it anymore.   I also hate that it made that much of a difference, but I'm accepting my conflicted feelings on this for now.

Inner character is still way more important...but as someone who was an ugly duckling, it feel good to feel beautiful once in a while.