Like most 20-somethings, I struggle with feeling inadequate. I am still adjusting to being an "adult." I'm turning 27 in two weeks, so it's about time. I continually feel completely behind everyone I know, and I straddle a very thin line between being insecure (not cute) and being realistic. I do not expect to be the best at everything, even though I want to be. I know that I am perfectly average at everything and I'm ok with that. However, I always had this idea that God would have some amazing purpose for me and I would be really good at that. Like, so good at it that everyone would recognize how awesome I am at it. Totally selfish, not glorifying God, and I am able to admit that. Swallowing my pride is still difficult, though!
Since I am growing up *cough* I have come to recognize that I will probably never be the best at something. That's ok. Well, I still don't like it, but it will be ok. Instead, I wanted to focus more on how I am doing things than what the results are. Specifically, I focused on doing things with love. I had fallen into a rut with my students this year and I realized that I was not doing this, and I knew I needed to change. I am a tough teacher, and I expect excellence every day from my students. At the beginning of the year, I failed to take into account that this was a new group of students. I found myself getting extremely frustrated when I would say "take out a piece of paper" and some students would just stare at me. In working with my dean, I realized that this was not because of an unclear message but because they as a had never really learned what following directions looked like. In order for these kids to be successful, they needed to be taught. Since I really, really want my kids to be successful, I had to swallow my pride and do a lot of things that I consider babying, like having them put their finger on a certain part of the paper or repeating back the directions. Surely 8th graders don't need to do that, right? Wrong. Mine did. I went through a period where I did these things out of frustration, and it did not work well for the students or for myself. In fact, I was an awful teacher. I taught the facts but I did nothing to inspire them or show them how to be good people.
When I realized that it truly was inability to follow direction and not defiance that was leading to their issues, I was able to love them again. Suddenly, I knew I needed to support them through additional activities. Because I was doing it through love, it was infinitely less exhausting to me. Also, shocker, they responded so much better.
I am not a perfect teacher, nor will I ever be. I will probably not earn awards, and my students will not stand on their chairs like in Dead Poet's Society. However, God has given me the ability to love my students and the desire to adjust to their needs. He has given me a personality that will not settle and always seeks improvement. He has given me a work ethic that makes the long hours possible, and a moral compass to realize how important urban education is. He has made me into exactly who I need to be to best serve my students, but it is still up to me to show God's love when I'm teaching. I didn't do that in the beginning of the year, and I failed my students because of it. They deserved better. When I opened my heart to share love with them, everything changed. Because of that moment, my kids are now thriving.
Teachers don't often get their work validated by their students, but I had that moment this week. A student that struggled the most with following directions said to me, "Ms, your class is so easy-all you have to do is listen!" Good life advice, my friend!
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Saturday, February 21, 2015
The Power of a New Heart
When I first started teaching, I was most caught off guard by how much I loved my students. I mean, I knew I would love them but I did not know how I could possibly love 130 of them equally. Impossible, right? My first year taught me just how wrong I was. I love those little stinkers and I worry about them constantly. The thought of anything happening to them makes me cry. I regularly pray for my students, both as a group and individually, because I know I can't keep them safe but God can. I was not always this way. In fact, before I started teaching, I took pride in how unemotional I could be. I refused to admit when I was hurt, and I was holding on to a lot of anger.
My students managed to get to me in a way no one else had been able. Through them, I began to see the world in a new light. I focused less on having everything be perfect and more on bring there for others. I used to think that meant having my own life in order and giving the best advice, but they showed me that it is really all about being excited for them. They could not care less if I don't have answer for them, they just want me to sit next to them and CARE.
In today's morning prayer, one of the canticles was from Ezekiel 36. It says "I will give you a new heart and place a new spirit within you, taking from your bodies your stony hearts and giving you natural hearts." God wants for us to remain open to him so that He can work through us. When I was hurting, I hardened my heart so much no one could get in, let alone God. Luckily, He loves us so much that nothing can stop him. Especially during Lent, stay focused on ways we can grow closer to God so that he can place a new spirit within us.
What are the ways that you are hardening your heart?
Thursday, February 19, 2015
It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
For some reason, I LOVE Lent. I know that it is supposed to be a time of sacrifice (and it is) but I can't help but get really excited about this entire time leading up to Easter, remembering daily that Christ suffered to bring us back in union with God. That is the ultimate love story.
Every Lent, I struggle with what to give up. The idea behind giving something up is to experience some sort of sacrifice daily. Can we do anything that will be equally to the sacrifice Christ made for us? Absolutely not. Can we remind ourselves daily of the sacrifice He made for us? Yes. I agree 100% with that sentiment, but I know that it is also way too easy for me to fall into the "I'll give up candy for Jesus but really it's because I overloaded on Mardi Gras and feel sick" trap. Instead, I like to focus on DOING something. Last year, I did something nice for someone every day of Lent. This year, in keeping with my overall goal of praying more, I created a prayer chain. It is one of those old-school construction paper chains because I love doing crafts. On each strip of paper, I wrote a prayer intention. The idea behind it is, every day, I open one of the links at the end and that is my prayer challenge for the day. Some of them were really simple like "pray for _____." Some of them are harder challenges, like go to Eucharistic Adoration. Some even surprised me as I was writing them...people's names just showed up on the paper and I realized, wow I really do need to pray for them even though it will be hard because they have hurt me. I also learned that I am not the brightest and managed to write down vocations twice and missionaries at least three times.
By challenging my prayer life daily, I hope to deepen my relationship with Christ and also with those around me. I am a much nicer person when my prayer life is in order, and I struggle with that when I am stressed. Plus, I just really like surprises and luckily I forgot most of the ones I wrote down :)
In other news: I bought a missal. After terrifying my father with saying I was going to bring it to church, I convinced him it was a missAL not a missILE.
Every Lent, I struggle with what to give up. The idea behind giving something up is to experience some sort of sacrifice daily. Can we do anything that will be equally to the sacrifice Christ made for us? Absolutely not. Can we remind ourselves daily of the sacrifice He made for us? Yes. I agree 100% with that sentiment, but I know that it is also way too easy for me to fall into the "I'll give up candy for Jesus but really it's because I overloaded on Mardi Gras and feel sick" trap. Instead, I like to focus on DOING something. Last year, I did something nice for someone every day of Lent. This year, in keeping with my overall goal of praying more, I created a prayer chain. It is one of those old-school construction paper chains because I love doing crafts. On each strip of paper, I wrote a prayer intention. The idea behind it is, every day, I open one of the links at the end and that is my prayer challenge for the day. Some of them were really simple like "pray for _____." Some of them are harder challenges, like go to Eucharistic Adoration. Some even surprised me as I was writing them...people's names just showed up on the paper and I realized, wow I really do need to pray for them even though it will be hard because they have hurt me. I also learned that I am not the brightest and managed to write down vocations twice and missionaries at least three times.
By challenging my prayer life daily, I hope to deepen my relationship with Christ and also with those around me. I am a much nicer person when my prayer life is in order, and I struggle with that when I am stressed. Plus, I just really like surprises and luckily I forgot most of the ones I wrote down :)
In other news: I bought a missal. After terrifying my father with saying I was going to bring it to church, I convinced him it was a missAL not a missILE.
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Learning to be Catholic
I was technically raised Catholic, but in all reality I was not introduced to many of the traditions of the Catholic faith as a child. My mom really did try, but she was not raised Catholic and probably did not know many of them herself. This was pre-internet and I cannot imagine trying to figure something out sans Google. Due to my religious (or lack of religious) upbringing, the Catholic faith was always a giant mystery to me. Mass was filled with people standing and kneeling, bowing at odd times, and a whole bunch of words that I did not know. I wanted so badly to be a part of it that I would listen and watch carefully to try to figure out the secret behind it. How did all of these people know the exact same words and actions?
My religious education, sadly, did not help out. I tried to learn on my own. I distinctly remember deciding to teach myself how to pray a rosary by writing out all of the prayers on construction paper and drawing a diagram of a rosary with arrows pointing to each bead labeling what prayer to say when. I was so proud and would pray the rosary whenever I remembered, happy to be a part of a tradition that was so distinctly Catholic. The rosary, in my mind, made me part of the "in crowd."
Flash forward to about six months ago. A dear friend of mine was concerned that I was way too stressed out and not making God as much of a priority as I normally would. He decided that we would meet up on Saturday morning, pray morning prayer together, and then have coffee. We ended up praying a rosary together and I got quite the shock. I had no idea what was going on. Surprise, surprise: I somehow taught myself the wrong way to pray a rosary. There were words coming out of his mouth that I had absolutely never heard before, and I was mortified. I thought I was finally at that point in my faith journey where there were not going to be surprises anymore. I thought I finally knew enough about the Catholic religion that my days of embarrassment over being the only person who did not know the words were over. All of the insecurity came back in a flash, and I have been hiding from the rosary since. Luckily, my friend has been too kind to say anything. I know he would help me if I asked, but I just could not. I mean, I make rosaries, how could I admit I did not know how to pray one???
Instead, I Googled. That is what millenials do. I was too scared to try it for a long time, but I want to say that today, about one week before Lent begins, at the age of 27, I prayed my first rosary! I finally know that there are mysteries and that those mysteries are said on different days. Can I pray it without the assistance of the internet? No way. And that is ok.
God does not expect us to be perfect right off the bat. All of us are weak in something, but he gives us the ability to figure it out. Sometimes we need to rely on others to strengthen us like I relied on my friend, and sometimes He guides us in figuring it out on our own.
This Lenten season, I want to focus more on the rosary. It is a new way for me to experience my faith, and that is what Lent is about. Every day, I want to challenge myself to pray for someone different and praying using the rosary will help me be even more mindful while praying. Lent (finishing with Easter) is my favorite time of the year, and I'm excited to be trying something new during this season.
I challenge you to find that thing you have been hiding from and focus on that. Maybe it's going to confession, maybe it's making it to mass, or daily mass, or praying the Liturgy of the Hours. Find something within the faith that intimidates you a little bit and try it! See what a difference 40 days can make.
My religious education, sadly, did not help out. I tried to learn on my own. I distinctly remember deciding to teach myself how to pray a rosary by writing out all of the prayers on construction paper and drawing a diagram of a rosary with arrows pointing to each bead labeling what prayer to say when. I was so proud and would pray the rosary whenever I remembered, happy to be a part of a tradition that was so distinctly Catholic. The rosary, in my mind, made me part of the "in crowd."
Flash forward to about six months ago. A dear friend of mine was concerned that I was way too stressed out and not making God as much of a priority as I normally would. He decided that we would meet up on Saturday morning, pray morning prayer together, and then have coffee. We ended up praying a rosary together and I got quite the shock. I had no idea what was going on. Surprise, surprise: I somehow taught myself the wrong way to pray a rosary. There were words coming out of his mouth that I had absolutely never heard before, and I was mortified. I thought I was finally at that point in my faith journey where there were not going to be surprises anymore. I thought I finally knew enough about the Catholic religion that my days of embarrassment over being the only person who did not know the words were over. All of the insecurity came back in a flash, and I have been hiding from the rosary since. Luckily, my friend has been too kind to say anything. I know he would help me if I asked, but I just could not. I mean, I make rosaries, how could I admit I did not know how to pray one???
Instead, I Googled. That is what millenials do. I was too scared to try it for a long time, but I want to say that today, about one week before Lent begins, at the age of 27, I prayed my first rosary! I finally know that there are mysteries and that those mysteries are said on different days. Can I pray it without the assistance of the internet? No way. And that is ok.
God does not expect us to be perfect right off the bat. All of us are weak in something, but he gives us the ability to figure it out. Sometimes we need to rely on others to strengthen us like I relied on my friend, and sometimes He guides us in figuring it out on our own.
This Lenten season, I want to focus more on the rosary. It is a new way for me to experience my faith, and that is what Lent is about. Every day, I want to challenge myself to pray for someone different and praying using the rosary will help me be even more mindful while praying. Lent (finishing with Easter) is my favorite time of the year, and I'm excited to be trying something new during this season.
I challenge you to find that thing you have been hiding from and focus on that. Maybe it's going to confession, maybe it's making it to mass, or daily mass, or praying the Liturgy of the Hours. Find something within the faith that intimidates you a little bit and try it! See what a difference 40 days can make.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Presentation of the Lord
Last week was not a great one in terms of me actually doing anything to forward my life plans. I am building up to some major state tests, and we have district testing in about 10 days. All of this leads to me being super stressed and not as focused on God as I want to be. I know that things ebb and flow, but I also have a lot of big decisions ahead of me and would love to say that I am focusing on that first and foremost. I am human and I am not perfect, and this week I flat out failed. Luckily, it also gave me time to reflect on how important the Church has become in my life. I was unable to make it to daily mass at all last week, and by Friday I was really upset about it. Like, ready to cry in my car because I was so upset I didn't make it to mass. Being separated from that for a week made me appreciate how important it really is to me.
The church that I go to for daily mass is known for being very traditional, which I adore. It can be intimidating on Sundays, but it is a part of my routine on weekdays. I try to make it at least three times a week (twice at the traditional church, once on Thursdays to the church that I am a parishioner at.) Today, I was especially glad I made it since it is the Presentation of the Lord!
I was not raised in a very devout family so I cannot actually remember celebrating the Presentation of the Lord ever before. As in, I'm almost 100% sure I have not...I thought we only walked in with candles on Easter? Apparently not. When combined with the Liturgy of the Hours (which is very closely related to the readings for the day at mass) it leads to a wonderful understanding of the story that I have never had before. It struck me how amazingly lucky I am to be part of a church where I can not only go and celebrate God in community every single day, but I can also participate in my own house and classroom through LOTH. I enjoy praying the LOTH daily, but whenever it is combined with a Feast day, I get that double whammy of Catholic awesomeness.
The church that I go to for daily mass is known for being very traditional, which I adore. It can be intimidating on Sundays, but it is a part of my routine on weekdays. I try to make it at least three times a week (twice at the traditional church, once on Thursdays to the church that I am a parishioner at.) Today, I was especially glad I made it since it is the Presentation of the Lord!
I was not raised in a very devout family so I cannot actually remember celebrating the Presentation of the Lord ever before. As in, I'm almost 100% sure I have not...I thought we only walked in with candles on Easter? Apparently not. When combined with the Liturgy of the Hours (which is very closely related to the readings for the day at mass) it leads to a wonderful understanding of the story that I have never had before. It struck me how amazingly lucky I am to be part of a church where I can not only go and celebrate God in community every single day, but I can also participate in my own house and classroom through LOTH. I enjoy praying the LOTH daily, but whenever it is combined with a Feast day, I get that double whammy of Catholic awesomeness.
What I loved most about the Presentation of the Lord is a combination of the following three parts of the Evening Prayer II:
"It pleased God to make absolute fullness reside in him and, by means of him, to reconcile everything in his person, both on earth and in the heavens, making peace through the blood of the cross. (Colossians 1:19-20)
We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who was tempted in every way that we are, yet never sinned. So let us confidently approach the throne of grace to receive mercy and favor and to find help in time of need. (Hebrews 4:15-16)
Behold, this child is destined
for the fall and rise of many in Israel,
and to be a sign that will be contradicted
—and you yourself a sword will pierce—
so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed.” (Luke 2:34-35)
for the fall and rise of many in Israel,
and to be a sign that will be contradicted
—and you yourself a sword will pierce—
so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed.” (Luke 2:34-35)
In these three verses, we see that God so loved us that he sent his son as fully man and fully God in order to make it possible for us to be saved. Our sin was so great that this was truly the only way. He was born to a virgin who knew that it was not going to be up to her. She knew that her son was not truly hers and that her heart would be pierced with pain so that we could all be saved. Instead of wanting to protect her son (as would, of course, be very natural) she continued to submit to God's will and trust in Him. Because of this, Jesus is not only our savior but he was a man, which means that he experienced loss and betrayal. He wept when his friends died and when he saw others in pain. However, he was also able to then go to the cross and die to create a way for our souls to be saved.
As I continue to work on filling out my application and figuring out what role I am to play in the church, I pray that I accept hardships and suffering as part of God's plan for me, and that I continue to do whatever I can to praise God first and foremost.
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