Like most 20-somethings, I struggle with feeling inadequate. I am still adjusting to being an "adult." I'm turning 27 in two weeks, so it's about time. I continually feel completely behind everyone I know, and I straddle a very thin line between being insecure (not cute) and being realistic. I do not expect to be the best at everything, even though I want to be. I know that I am perfectly average at everything and I'm ok with that. However, I always had this idea that God would have some amazing purpose for me and I would be really good at that. Like, so good at it that everyone would recognize how awesome I am at it. Totally selfish, not glorifying God, and I am able to admit that. Swallowing my pride is still difficult, though!
Since I am growing up *cough* I have come to recognize that I will probably never be the best at something. That's ok. Well, I still don't like it, but it will be ok. Instead, I wanted to focus more on how I am doing things than what the results are. Specifically, I focused on doing things with love. I had fallen into a rut with my students this year and I realized that I was not doing this, and I knew I needed to change. I am a tough teacher, and I expect excellence every day from my students. At the beginning of the year, I failed to take into account that this was a new group of students. I found myself getting extremely frustrated when I would say "take out a piece of paper" and some students would just stare at me. In working with my dean, I realized that this was not because of an unclear message but because they as a had never really learned what following directions looked like. In order for these kids to be successful, they needed to be taught. Since I really, really want my kids to be successful, I had to swallow my pride and do a lot of things that I consider babying, like having them put their finger on a certain part of the paper or repeating back the directions. Surely 8th graders don't need to do that, right? Wrong. Mine did. I went through a period where I did these things out of frustration, and it did not work well for the students or for myself. In fact, I was an awful teacher. I taught the facts but I did nothing to inspire them or show them how to be good people.
When I realized that it truly was inability to follow direction and not defiance that was leading to their issues, I was able to love them again. Suddenly, I knew I needed to support them through additional activities. Because I was doing it through love, it was infinitely less exhausting to me. Also, shocker, they responded so much better.
I am not a perfect teacher, nor will I ever be. I will probably not earn awards, and my students will not stand on their chairs like in Dead Poet's Society. However, God has given me the ability to love my students and the desire to adjust to their needs. He has given me a personality that will not settle and always seeks improvement. He has given me a work ethic that makes the long hours possible, and a moral compass to realize how important urban education is. He has made me into exactly who I need to be to best serve my students, but it is still up to me to show God's love when I'm teaching. I didn't do that in the beginning of the year, and I failed my students because of it. They deserved better. When I opened my heart to share love with them, everything changed. Because of that moment, my kids are now thriving.
Teachers don't often get their work validated by their students, but I had that moment this week. A student that struggled the most with following directions said to me, "Ms, your class is so easy-all you have to do is listen!" Good life advice, my friend!
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