Throughout the discernment process, I have forced myself to go out of my comfort zone. I started going to a new church all on my own so I could attend daily mass. I have taken a more active role in Confirmation class when I used to let others do so. I went to a rosary group where I did not know anyone. For me, these things are huge. I get highly anxious in new situations where I do not feel comfortable. I credit my recent bravery to having my prayer life in order. Daily mass and regular prayer center me in God's love and everything else is possible because of that.
I did a spot check on my progress a few days ago to see what was working and what needed improvement. I realized that I love daily mass, Liturgy of the Hours, praying, and all that. I love feeling connected to the community and teaching. When I prayed the Liturgy of the Hours and the rosary with friends, I realized how powerful it can be to pray as a group. I have viewed so much of my faith life as an individual activity when really it is not. Instead, I need to seek out the support of others to help make me stronger.
I also realized that I had been shutting doors that I should not have. The prayer and teaching aspects of my life are the ones that I feel most peaceful about. God often speaks through peace, and at those moments I know I am doing exactly what He created me for. In doing research for Confirmation class, I realized that the parts I love most about my day are the ones that religious life, especially with the Dominican sisters, entails. I had never considered religious life before, but it is hard to ignore the fact that it fits everything I have been saying I wanted in my life. I want a life focused on prayer and on teaching. I always complain that I wish I had a uniform so that I could spend less time thinking about what I am wearing. I do not like having stuff. I do not understand why it is not socially acceptable for activities to include everyone reading at the same time and sharing what they find interesting later. I regularly do rosary walks as I pray a rosary while monitoring testing.
It is entirely possible that God is trying to gently lead me to the decision, but I want more. I need to be hit over the head with it, because this possibility is both obvious and terrifying to me at the same time. It seems to fit so well, but giving up the entire possibility of a spouse and children scares me. I know that it would add so much to my life, it's just hard to think of giving up something that has been an expectation in my future for 27 years now. I know that life is one giant discernment process, and this is where I am at now. I need to adjust my expectations and pray to God, then shut up and actually listen to him. It might be time for me to adjust my expectations and realize that what I want and what God has designed me for are different things, and that true joy will only come from finally realizing what He wants.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Sunday, March 8, 2015
And You, My Brothers and Sisters
One of my favorite parts of daily mass I go to is the Penitential Rite. The act of confessing to everyone around you that you have sinned is so powerful. It is a humbling moment to say out loud, "I have greatly sinned. In my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do." So often, we try to rationalize those moments where we did not act as simply bad timing. By saying it out loud in front of the church, all of us are recognizing that we are human and that we sin. It is ok! God did not say we needed to be perfect. If that was possible, we would not have needed Jesus to die for us to even have a chance!
After we all confess our sins, we go about asking for prayer. The part that always makes me cry is "and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God." We don't have to do it alone. I don't have to face my own sin alone. You can pray for me to have strength, just as I can pray for you. The thought of churches all over the world praying the same prayer, all of us asking God to pray for every other member of the church and their sins, is so beautiful. We are all united by our faith and by the fact that we ALL sin.
This is not the only time we are encouraged to ask those around us for help. We give a sign of peace during the mass, we hold hands while praying the our father, we take a moment to pray for our own intentions while everyone around you can pray for you. Even within the sacraments, we rely on the community for support. Godparents are chosen to help raise a child in the faith, you choose your own Confirmation sponsor to help guide your spiritual development, and you ask all of your friends and family to witness your marriage. We even have prayers, like the Rosary and Liturgy of the Hours, that can be prayed in community. I just prayed Morning Prayer with a group of friends this weekend, and it is amazing to unite your prayers with others!
The Catholic church is one that involves delving into your own faith and relationship with Christ. However, it also expects you to share that faith with others. We are all called to be missionaries of Christ, and we can start with praying for those around us and holding them accountable.
As I am preparing for a potential missionary life, I want to be the first to say I am not perfect. I am exactly where I need to be right now, and that is ok. Please pray for me in my moments of weakness, and ask God to help me be open to His will.
After we all confess our sins, we go about asking for prayer. The part that always makes me cry is "and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God." We don't have to do it alone. I don't have to face my own sin alone. You can pray for me to have strength, just as I can pray for you. The thought of churches all over the world praying the same prayer, all of us asking God to pray for every other member of the church and their sins, is so beautiful. We are all united by our faith and by the fact that we ALL sin.
This is not the only time we are encouraged to ask those around us for help. We give a sign of peace during the mass, we hold hands while praying the our father, we take a moment to pray for our own intentions while everyone around you can pray for you. Even within the sacraments, we rely on the community for support. Godparents are chosen to help raise a child in the faith, you choose your own Confirmation sponsor to help guide your spiritual development, and you ask all of your friends and family to witness your marriage. We even have prayers, like the Rosary and Liturgy of the Hours, that can be prayed in community. I just prayed Morning Prayer with a group of friends this weekend, and it is amazing to unite your prayers with others!
The Catholic church is one that involves delving into your own faith and relationship with Christ. However, it also expects you to share that faith with others. We are all called to be missionaries of Christ, and we can start with praying for those around us and holding them accountable.
As I am preparing for a potential missionary life, I want to be the first to say I am not perfect. I am exactly where I need to be right now, and that is ok. Please pray for me in my moments of weakness, and ask God to help me be open to His will.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Loyalty vs. Longing
When I first graduated, I had a hard time finding a church home. All I wanted was to be part of a parish. To me, that meant community and support. I wanted to have a place that felt like home, where I recognized the faces at mass and we lifted each other up in prayer. For anyone that has ever joined a church, you know that does not always happen. Churches are big places with a lot of people and different personalities. There will always be people you bond with and people you do not. When I moved to Houston, I was lucky to find the church I loved. When I sat in the pew that first weekend, I knew that this place was going to be important. A little old lady sitting next to me insisted on walking me over to the ministry fair where I was introduced to the youth minister. Little did I know that my Houston family was beginning, and my goddaughter wasn't even born yet!
Outside of youth ministry, I do not have many connections to my parish. I just have not been able to put roots down there. I go to church on Sunday and volunteer at least one day a week, but the daily mass schedule does not work for me and I am missing the faith development I experienced at my last parish. It's nothing to do with the church (obviously) I am just unsure whether it is still a good match. On the other hand, the church is just a building and it is really made up of the people. Am I putting in enough to make it home?
More and more, I find myself spending time at another parish. It is much more traditional and I am finding peace in that. I know that I am changing as a person, and it seems to line up more with who I am. The young adult group gets together and prays the rosary. They have a Latin mass. They have a Saturday mass at 12:05, which is surprisingly hard to find! I see the same group of people at daily mass, and they all have missals and copies of the Magnificat to help deepen their faith. I don't have friends there, but I know that any I make will be centered on God first.
For now, I am not making any changes. There is no need. Gone are the days when you went to the church in your neighborhood, and I'm blessed to live in a city where I can find a mass any time I want. Instead of worrying about my loyalties to a particular church, I want to focus on longing for a relationship with Christ.
Outside of youth ministry, I do not have many connections to my parish. I just have not been able to put roots down there. I go to church on Sunday and volunteer at least one day a week, but the daily mass schedule does not work for me and I am missing the faith development I experienced at my last parish. It's nothing to do with the church (obviously) I am just unsure whether it is still a good match. On the other hand, the church is just a building and it is really made up of the people. Am I putting in enough to make it home?
More and more, I find myself spending time at another parish. It is much more traditional and I am finding peace in that. I know that I am changing as a person, and it seems to line up more with who I am. The young adult group gets together and prays the rosary. They have a Latin mass. They have a Saturday mass at 12:05, which is surprisingly hard to find! I see the same group of people at daily mass, and they all have missals and copies of the Magnificat to help deepen their faith. I don't have friends there, but I know that any I make will be centered on God first.
For now, I am not making any changes. There is no need. Gone are the days when you went to the church in your neighborhood, and I'm blessed to live in a city where I can find a mass any time I want. Instead of worrying about my loyalties to a particular church, I want to focus on longing for a relationship with Christ.
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