Throughout the discernment process, I have forced myself to go out of my comfort zone. I started going to a new church all on my own so I could attend daily mass. I have taken a more active role in Confirmation class when I used to let others do so. I went to a rosary group where I did not know anyone. For me, these things are huge. I get highly anxious in new situations where I do not feel comfortable. I credit my recent bravery to having my prayer life in order. Daily mass and regular prayer center me in God's love and everything else is possible because of that.
I did a spot check on my progress a few days ago to see what was working and what needed improvement. I realized that I love daily mass, Liturgy of the Hours, praying, and all that. I love feeling connected to the community and teaching. When I prayed the Liturgy of the Hours and the rosary with friends, I realized how powerful it can be to pray as a group. I have viewed so much of my faith life as an individual activity when really it is not. Instead, I need to seek out the support of others to help make me stronger.
I also realized that I had been shutting doors that I should not have. The prayer and teaching aspects of my life are the ones that I feel most peaceful about. God often speaks through peace, and at those moments I know I am doing exactly what He created me for. In doing research for Confirmation class, I realized that the parts I love most about my day are the ones that religious life, especially with the Dominican sisters, entails. I had never considered religious life before, but it is hard to ignore the fact that it fits everything I have been saying I wanted in my life. I want a life focused on prayer and on teaching. I always complain that I wish I had a uniform so that I could spend less time thinking about what I am wearing. I do not like having stuff. I do not understand why it is not socially acceptable for activities to include everyone reading at the same time and sharing what they find interesting later. I regularly do rosary walks as I pray a rosary while monitoring testing.
It is entirely possible that God is trying to gently lead me to the decision, but I want more. I need to be hit over the head with it, because this possibility is both obvious and terrifying to me at the same time. It seems to fit so well, but giving up the entire possibility of a spouse and children scares me. I know that it would add so much to my life, it's just hard to think of giving up something that has been an expectation in my future for 27 years now. I know that life is one giant discernment process, and this is where I am at now. I need to adjust my expectations and pray to God, then shut up and actually listen to him. It might be time for me to adjust my expectations and realize that what I want and what God has designed me for are different things, and that true joy will only come from finally realizing what He wants.
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