What Fills You Up?

Recently, adoration has been my preferred method of prayer.  I go through phases where different types of prayer speak to me most.  For a while, it was LOTH.  Then, it was the rosary.  I still regularly do both of these, but adoration has been the most fulfilling. 

It started when I discovered that adoration chapels exist.  Here in Houston, we have one that has perpetual adoration (technically not perpetual...but for all intents and purposes it is!)  I have also found adoration schedules at several close churches that fit my own schedule.  Since then, I have made a point of visiting these chapels regularly.  I also found the following reasons as to why it works well for me:
1.  I need quiet time.  I teach middle school, need I say more?
2.  I spent my whole day talking and it forces me to sit back and listen.
3.  I get a chance to read books!!!  The adoration chapels I like the most have several books available, one of which I will talk about in a minute.
4.  I can still do my other favorite methods of prayer!  I can pray a rosary, read the readings for tomorrow, complete the Examen, whatever I feel like.
5.  I spend a lot of time praying every day, but I don't spend much time listening.  I make it a point to pray until I can't anymore, then I shut up and sit there, letting God answer.
6.  Zen.  I don't leave until I feel at peace.  If that is 10:30, so be it.

Recently, I have been reading "Could You Not Watch With Me One Hour?" by Fr. Florian Racine.  I fell in love with it and purchased a copy of my own, as well as an additional to hopefully set up an adoration book case at my own parish.  Last night, I was reflecting on the section starting on page 243.  It talked about how, in order to truly spread Christ's message authentically, you need to be so filled up on your own that you just cannot help spilling out over everyone else.  The filling up portion, in this book, refers to time spent in adoration.  The spilling out then refers to evangelization.

I realized that I have not been able to "spill out" because I am focusing too much on things that do not fill me up.  After praying for guidance, I sat back and listened.  God very quickly revealed to me the activities that filled me up, and that these needed to become "YES" invitations.  I need to make them a priority.  There are also some people that always fill me up, and so any invitation from them will be an automatic yes.  Everything else is maybe.

I was both surprised and not about what is on my list.  Teaching definitely is, but not any of my additional activities at school.  Most prayer moments and daily mass made it.  Certain people are rather new to my life but they are on there.  Some are old friends.  Surprisingly, youth ministry was not.  I think God may be answering my question as to whether or not I should do it again next year.  Over the next few weeks, I plan to pare down my schedule as much as possible according to this list.

I think my list will change over the next few months, but for now I have a pretty great place to start!

Knocked On My Butt

Sometimes, my life feels very extreme.  I do so well for a while, and something awful comes along.  I spent Sunday with the Cardinal (and by "with" I mean far away from, except for when he let us take a picture with him.)  Our Confirmation students received the sacrament of Confirmation, including the beautiful young woman I sponsored.  It was a joyous occasion, culminating with my sponsee (is that a word?) asking how she could get involved with Eucharistic Ministry!

I had already known that this week would be extremely busy, and I had prepared for it.  I had all of my grades completed, and a whole bunch of stuff turned in before the deadline.  I set up mass and coffee, as well as a Holy Hour, with different friends so that I would be prepared for my students to take their state test on Wednesday.  I knew that I would not sleep, so I did as much as I could ahead of time so that being brain dead would not slow me down as much.  I thought I was preparing for my own busy life, but really God was preparing me for something that would stop me in my tracks.

One of my Confirmation students relapsed.  He had brain cancer last year, but had gone into remission.  It's back, cannot be operated on, and is also resistant to chemotherapy.  When he texted me the news, I started crying in the middle of class.  It has been on and off crying since then.

I know that God has a plan, but that does not mean it does not hurt or make me sad or make me angry.  My immediate response was, "it's not fair."  Fair does not matter, though.  I have no idea what God's plan for this young man is, but I do know that he will face it with far more courage than I ever could.  Today, I challenged myself to recognize where God was holding me up.  He held me up through my students, who immediately rushed to my side when they saw me crying.  He held me up through my coworkers, who hugged me and told me to take a break if I needed to.  He held me up through mass with a friend, set up way before I knew what today would hold.  He offered me solace in Adoration so that I could end my day well.  As much as He challenged me today, he lifted me up way more.

Maybe there will be a miracle, maybe there won't.  After mass and Adoration, I'm ok with either.  For now.

Venturing into the Unknown?

Youth Ministry is what has given me peace and helped me to find the one thing in life I know I was made for:  teaching.  I taught religious education at my former church to multiple ages while I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do.  It has helped me find the beauty of the Church, deepen my faith, as well as led me to the strongest connections I have in Texas.  Yet, I find myself wondering whether it is still my ministry.

The staff at my current parish is about to change.  This staff change is not the reason that I am thinking about leaving youth ministry, but the transition made me realize I need to start figuring out what I want to be involved in.  I'm not sure that I'm ready to commit to another year of it, and I am not willing to do it if I am not 100% in it.  That's not how I roll.  There are so many things that I could do, and I want to make sure that I am opening myself up to God's will rather than my own.  It's entirely possible that I have been in youth ministry because I'm good at it, and it is feeding my ego rather than fulfilling God's will.

I do not have an easy answer to what is coming next, but I do know this:  prayer is the answer.  I have found myself so much more at ease since starting to discern mission work/religious life/third order life than I have ever been.  Seriously, I have never been this at ease.  A friend cut himself at my house and I was ridiculously calm.  All of that is because of God's grace, and I know he will lead me to whatever it is I need to do.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I already know it.  I just have to admit it to myself!

Holy Thursday

Of all the masses during the year, Holy Thursday is one of my favorites. I was blessed this year to participate in the washing of the feet for the second time in my life. The last time was the year I was confirmed, and I appreciated it so much more this year.

The idea behind the washing of the feet comes from scripture where Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. By humbling himself before them, He shows that he is serving them. In life, we are all serving one another and seeing that play out on the altar is a wonderful reminder of that. Father said it best today. We all understand how important it is to wash other people's feet, but how often do we let others wash ours?  I'm perfectly willing (in fact, I actively seek) to help others, yet I am so resistant to accepting help. This year, I strive to accept other's help and advice in areas where I know I can use it. Not only that, Jesus is investing our most valuable resource into the disciples:  time.

After mass, I was able to go to dinner with two of our. Confirmation students. The fact that we had two go to mass today was impressive enough, so when they asked to go to dinner, I dropped everything and said yes!  I have learned how to recognize the extremely important relationship building opportunities, and I knew this was one I could not pass up. Not only did I get to share my love of the liturgy by sharing my missal with them during mass, but we also talked about the Jesuit examen, Liturgy of the Hours, and lots of silly stuff. I will take those opportunities every time I see them, regardless of what my schedule looks like. Time invested in people is never wasted, as shown by Jesus' washing of the feet.

Holy Week

It is that wonderful time of year again where we finish our preparations for  Christ's resurrection and our salvation through Him.  Lent is "over" (though some argue it continues until Easter Sunday.)  We enter into the Easter Triduum this Thursday, and all of the amazing readings and traditions associated with Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and the Easter Vigil.  Remember that this time of year is the source of all of our faith.  Without Christ's sacrifice on the cross, our salvation would not have been possible.