Worldly Expectations

I like to think I am so focused on God that the world's expectations do not matter to me.  That somehow, my inner beauty will make up for what I lack in outer beauty.

I do not think I'm hideous.  I'm much happier with who I am than I have ever been in my life, and I know that my family and friends think I'm pretty.  What I did not realize was how much I had internalized what I saw in the media.  I've always known that the women on tv did not look like me.  They always had lighter skin, and I never fit into the "racially different friend" slot, either. 

My skin is darker than the rest of my family.  My hair is kinky and curly and very dark brown.  My nose is wide, and I'm really short.  I'm not conventionally beautiful, and that's ok.  I was not the girl that got all the dates in high school.  Instead, I'm the girl that had to learn Spanish out of self defense.  I hated it as a kid (I would rather be seen as who I am, not as who people think I am.)  However, it has worked well with the demographic that I teach.  Because of the way I look, I am able to break through barriers with my students more quickly.  I look like them so they immediately connect with me on some level. 

I thought I had gotten over my insecurities with how different I look.  Then, I got a text from my cousin this morning telling me that he was watching me on Game of Thrones last night.  When I looked up the actress, I had the weirdest moment of my life.  There I was!  Finally, there was someone on tv that looked like me!  She was also in Whale Rider, and I had been told I looked like her before...but that was when I was much younger and I was in my awkward phase.  Now, we still look a lot alike...but she is BEAUTIFUL.  Finally, my nose did not feel as wide.  My curly hair felt like an asset.  It's so stupid, but seeing my face in Hollywood made it suddenly ok to be me.  Posting her fierce picture on Facebook and seeing how many people had thought it was me while watching made it suddenly feel like I was out of my awkward phases.

However, the most important thing is that I now feel loveable.  It's so stupid, but just seeing someone that looked like me made such a difference.  Not only is she stunning, but she also plays an awesomely strong female character.  I can embrace who I am and not overthink it anymore.   I also hate that it made that much of a difference, but I'm accepting my conflicted feelings on this for now.

Inner character is still way more important...but as someone who was an ugly duckling, it feel good to feel beautiful once in a while.

Reflections on the Sorrowful Mysteries

In an effort to spend more time on things that fill me up, I am challenging myself to choose prayer first.  When I am angry, I pray first.  When I am sad, I pray first.  When I am happy, I pray first.  That way, my responses are grounded in prayer and trust in God.  I am not perfect at this at all, but it's changing the way I respond to everything around me.

This week has been especially challenging because it is May.  We do not finish school until June, and that last month of school is absolute hell.  Just ask any teacher.  The kids have lost their minds and I'm not far behind them.  Add in tons of state testing and my sanity is almost gone.  Luckily, state testing also allows me four hours of silence and plenty of prayer time!  This particular one was much needed due to frustrations that popped up right in the beginning of my day.

1.  The Agony in the Garden

Jesus was praying for those who were persecuting him as well as those he was suffering for.  He prayed for all of us.

Who is hurting me now?  Am I responding in anger or am I praying for them instead?

 

It is so easy to respond quickly when someone hurts you.  Instead, I need to stop and ask myself, why are they doing this?  Am I taking a moment to pray instead that whatever is causing them pain is eased by my response?  Am I asking them what is wrong and how I can help?

2.  The Scourging at the Pillar

Jesus was taking on punishment for us.  He was willing to be beaten because He knew it was for our salvation, and He decided that was worth it.

How can I take on something for the people who are hurting me?  Who do they need me to be for them?

 

This is easiest for those people who are actually in our lives.  For my friends, I know what things they tend to drop when they are stressed and I can pick those up.  Maybe, for coworkers, it's sticking a note in their mailbox or sending a kid into their room with a candy bar.  Maybe it's taking over their lunch duty.  It will look different for everyone, but I need to seek out those opportunities.

3.  The Crowning with Thorns
By putting a crown of thorns on Christ's head, using it as an instrument of torture, and mocking him, they were attacking his innermost identity.  There were turning his title of King into a joke.

How can I remain rooted in who I am even when the world challenges that?

 

When life gets crazy and work is insane, the first thing I'm tempted to drop is daily mass.  "I have so much work to do, maybe I need to stay late today."  "We have so many deliverables due since it's the end of the year, I'm going to do that instead of checking in with students during independent practice."  My core identity is as a Catholic, and teaching is my vocation.  If I am doing things that are not directly tied to those two identities, I am allowing the world to mock who I am.  I am changing to fit the world's expectations when really I know what is most important and need to remain focused on those things.

4.  The Carrying of the Cross
Christ was forced to carry his cross for us, but Simon was appointed to help him. 

How can I be Simon?  How can I advocate for others or help them with their burden?

 

I see this all the time.  That first year teacher is overwhelmed because we have too many deadlines on top of each other.  Teachers are having a hard time making it to duty because children are in our classroom.  Some teachers are not actively on duty, forcing other teachers to take up the slack.  What can I do to help make the situation better?  Can I have a conversation with that other teacher to help lighten everyone's load?  Can I move around more to make it a little easier?

5.  The Crucifixion
Christ gave the ultimate sacrifice for us.  His death on the cross made our salvation possible.

What sacrifices do I need to make for others?

 

Sometimes, helping others will mean sacrificing.  Maybe I need to give up my lunch period.  Maybe I need to sacrifice work time to have a conversation with a coworker that I don't know well.  Maybe I need to sacrifice money to buy someone a candy bar.  As long as those sacrifices are investing in others, I need to consider them.

I am not a nun.  I am not a mother.  I am, however, a teacher who has the opportunity to interact with so many students every day.  How I interact with them shapes how they interact with others.  By modeling Christ's love for them, they will spread it as well.  It is my job to use my vocation to serve God.

What Fills You Up?

Recently, adoration has been my preferred method of prayer.  I go through phases where different types of prayer speak to me most.  For a while, it was LOTH.  Then, it was the rosary.  I still regularly do both of these, but adoration has been the most fulfilling. 

It started when I discovered that adoration chapels exist.  Here in Houston, we have one that has perpetual adoration (technically not perpetual...but for all intents and purposes it is!)  I have also found adoration schedules at several close churches that fit my own schedule.  Since then, I have made a point of visiting these chapels regularly.  I also found the following reasons as to why it works well for me:
1.  I need quiet time.  I teach middle school, need I say more?
2.  I spent my whole day talking and it forces me to sit back and listen.
3.  I get a chance to read books!!!  The adoration chapels I like the most have several books available, one of which I will talk about in a minute.
4.  I can still do my other favorite methods of prayer!  I can pray a rosary, read the readings for tomorrow, complete the Examen, whatever I feel like.
5.  I spend a lot of time praying every day, but I don't spend much time listening.  I make it a point to pray until I can't anymore, then I shut up and sit there, letting God answer.
6.  Zen.  I don't leave until I feel at peace.  If that is 10:30, so be it.

Recently, I have been reading "Could You Not Watch With Me One Hour?" by Fr. Florian Racine.  I fell in love with it and purchased a copy of my own, as well as an additional to hopefully set up an adoration book case at my own parish.  Last night, I was reflecting on the section starting on page 243.  It talked about how, in order to truly spread Christ's message authentically, you need to be so filled up on your own that you just cannot help spilling out over everyone else.  The filling up portion, in this book, refers to time spent in adoration.  The spilling out then refers to evangelization.

I realized that I have not been able to "spill out" because I am focusing too much on things that do not fill me up.  After praying for guidance, I sat back and listened.  God very quickly revealed to me the activities that filled me up, and that these needed to become "YES" invitations.  I need to make them a priority.  There are also some people that always fill me up, and so any invitation from them will be an automatic yes.  Everything else is maybe.

I was both surprised and not about what is on my list.  Teaching definitely is, but not any of my additional activities at school.  Most prayer moments and daily mass made it.  Certain people are rather new to my life but they are on there.  Some are old friends.  Surprisingly, youth ministry was not.  I think God may be answering my question as to whether or not I should do it again next year.  Over the next few weeks, I plan to pare down my schedule as much as possible according to this list.

I think my list will change over the next few months, but for now I have a pretty great place to start!

Knocked On My Butt

Sometimes, my life feels very extreme.  I do so well for a while, and something awful comes along.  I spent Sunday with the Cardinal (and by "with" I mean far away from, except for when he let us take a picture with him.)  Our Confirmation students received the sacrament of Confirmation, including the beautiful young woman I sponsored.  It was a joyous occasion, culminating with my sponsee (is that a word?) asking how she could get involved with Eucharistic Ministry!

I had already known that this week would be extremely busy, and I had prepared for it.  I had all of my grades completed, and a whole bunch of stuff turned in before the deadline.  I set up mass and coffee, as well as a Holy Hour, with different friends so that I would be prepared for my students to take their state test on Wednesday.  I knew that I would not sleep, so I did as much as I could ahead of time so that being brain dead would not slow me down as much.  I thought I was preparing for my own busy life, but really God was preparing me for something that would stop me in my tracks.

One of my Confirmation students relapsed.  He had brain cancer last year, but had gone into remission.  It's back, cannot be operated on, and is also resistant to chemotherapy.  When he texted me the news, I started crying in the middle of class.  It has been on and off crying since then.

I know that God has a plan, but that does not mean it does not hurt or make me sad or make me angry.  My immediate response was, "it's not fair."  Fair does not matter, though.  I have no idea what God's plan for this young man is, but I do know that he will face it with far more courage than I ever could.  Today, I challenged myself to recognize where God was holding me up.  He held me up through my students, who immediately rushed to my side when they saw me crying.  He held me up through my coworkers, who hugged me and told me to take a break if I needed to.  He held me up through mass with a friend, set up way before I knew what today would hold.  He offered me solace in Adoration so that I could end my day well.  As much as He challenged me today, he lifted me up way more.

Maybe there will be a miracle, maybe there won't.  After mass and Adoration, I'm ok with either.  For now.

Venturing into the Unknown?

Youth Ministry is what has given me peace and helped me to find the one thing in life I know I was made for:  teaching.  I taught religious education at my former church to multiple ages while I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do.  It has helped me find the beauty of the Church, deepen my faith, as well as led me to the strongest connections I have in Texas.  Yet, I find myself wondering whether it is still my ministry.

The staff at my current parish is about to change.  This staff change is not the reason that I am thinking about leaving youth ministry, but the transition made me realize I need to start figuring out what I want to be involved in.  I'm not sure that I'm ready to commit to another year of it, and I am not willing to do it if I am not 100% in it.  That's not how I roll.  There are so many things that I could do, and I want to make sure that I am opening myself up to God's will rather than my own.  It's entirely possible that I have been in youth ministry because I'm good at it, and it is feeding my ego rather than fulfilling God's will.

I do not have an easy answer to what is coming next, but I do know this:  prayer is the answer.  I have found myself so much more at ease since starting to discern mission work/religious life/third order life than I have ever been.  Seriously, I have never been this at ease.  A friend cut himself at my house and I was ridiculously calm.  All of that is because of God's grace, and I know he will lead me to whatever it is I need to do.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I already know it.  I just have to admit it to myself!

Holy Thursday

Of all the masses during the year, Holy Thursday is one of my favorites. I was blessed this year to participate in the washing of the feet for the second time in my life. The last time was the year I was confirmed, and I appreciated it so much more this year.

The idea behind the washing of the feet comes from scripture where Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. By humbling himself before them, He shows that he is serving them. In life, we are all serving one another and seeing that play out on the altar is a wonderful reminder of that. Father said it best today. We all understand how important it is to wash other people's feet, but how often do we let others wash ours?  I'm perfectly willing (in fact, I actively seek) to help others, yet I am so resistant to accepting help. This year, I strive to accept other's help and advice in areas where I know I can use it. Not only that, Jesus is investing our most valuable resource into the disciples:  time.

After mass, I was able to go to dinner with two of our. Confirmation students. The fact that we had two go to mass today was impressive enough, so when they asked to go to dinner, I dropped everything and said yes!  I have learned how to recognize the extremely important relationship building opportunities, and I knew this was one I could not pass up. Not only did I get to share my love of the liturgy by sharing my missal with them during mass, but we also talked about the Jesuit examen, Liturgy of the Hours, and lots of silly stuff. I will take those opportunities every time I see them, regardless of what my schedule looks like. Time invested in people is never wasted, as shown by Jesus' washing of the feet.

Holy Week

It is that wonderful time of year again where we finish our preparations for  Christ's resurrection and our salvation through Him.  Lent is "over" (though some argue it continues until Easter Sunday.)  We enter into the Easter Triduum this Thursday, and all of the amazing readings and traditions associated with Holy Thursday, Good Friday, and the Easter Vigil.  Remember that this time of year is the source of all of our faith.  Without Christ's sacrifice on the cross, our salvation would not have been possible. 

Constantly Adjusting

Throughout the discernment process, I have forced myself to go out of my comfort zone.  I started going to a new church all on my own so I could attend daily mass.  I have taken a more active role in Confirmation class when I used to let others do so.  I went to a rosary group where I did not know anyone.  For me, these things are huge.  I get highly anxious in new situations where I do not feel comfortable.  I credit my recent bravery to having my prayer life in order.  Daily mass and regular prayer center me in God's love and everything else is possible because of that.

I did a spot check on my progress a few days ago to see what was working and what needed improvement.  I realized that I love daily mass, Liturgy of the Hours, praying, and all that.  I love feeling connected to the community and teaching.  When I prayed the Liturgy of the Hours and the rosary with friends, I realized how powerful it can be to pray as a group.  I have viewed so much of my faith life as an individual activity when really it is not.  Instead, I need to seek out the support of others to help make me stronger.

I also realized that I had been shutting doors that I should not have.  The prayer and teaching aspects of my life are the ones that I feel most peaceful about.  God often speaks through peace, and at those moments I know I am doing exactly what He created me for.  In doing research for Confirmation class, I realized that the parts I love most about my day are the ones that religious life, especially with the Dominican sisters, entails.  I had never considered religious life before, but it is hard to ignore the fact that it fits everything I have been saying I wanted in my life.  I want a life focused on prayer and on teaching.  I always complain that I wish I had a uniform so that I could spend less time thinking about what I am wearing.  I do not like having stuff.  I do not understand why it is not socially acceptable for activities to include everyone reading at the same time and sharing what they find interesting later.  I regularly do rosary walks as I pray a rosary while monitoring testing.

It is entirely possible that God is trying to gently lead me to the decision, but I want more.  I need to be hit over the head with it, because this possibility is both obvious and terrifying to me at the same time.  It seems to fit so well, but giving up the entire possibility of a spouse and children scares me.  I know that it would add so much to my life, it's just hard to think of giving up something that has been an expectation in my future for 27 years now.  I know that life is one giant discernment process, and this is where I am at now.  I need to adjust my expectations and pray to God, then shut up and actually listen to him.  It might be time for me to adjust my expectations and realize that what I want and what God has designed me for are different things, and that true joy will only come from finally realizing what He wants.

And You, My Brothers and Sisters

One of my favorite parts of daily mass I go to is the Penitential Rite.  The act of confessing to everyone around you that you have sinned is so powerful.  It is a humbling moment to say out loud, "I have greatly sinned.  In my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do."  So often, we try to rationalize those moments where we did not act as simply bad timing.  By saying it out loud in front of the church, all of us are recognizing that we are human and that we sin.  It is ok!  God did not say we needed to be perfect.  If that was possible, we would not have needed Jesus to die for us to even have a chance!

After we all confess our sins, we go about asking for prayer.  The part that always makes me cry is "and you, my brothers and sisters, to pray for me to the Lord our God."  We don't have to do it alone.  I don't have to face my own sin alone.  You can pray for me to have strength, just as I can pray for you.  The thought of churches all over the world praying the same prayer, all of us asking God to pray for every other member of the church and their sins, is so beautiful.  We are all united by our faith and by the fact that we ALL sin.

This is not the only time we are encouraged to ask those around us for help.  We give a sign of peace during the mass, we hold hands while praying the our father, we take a moment to pray for our own intentions while everyone around you can pray for you.  Even within the sacraments, we rely on the community for support.  Godparents are chosen to help raise a child in the faith, you choose your own Confirmation sponsor to help guide your spiritual development, and you ask all of your friends and family to witness your marriage.  We even have prayers, like the Rosary and Liturgy of the Hours, that can be prayed in community.  I just prayed Morning Prayer with a group of friends this weekend, and it is amazing to unite your prayers with others!

The Catholic church is one that involves delving into your own faith and relationship with Christ.  However, it also expects you to share that faith with others.  We are all called to be missionaries of Christ, and we can start with praying for those around us and holding them accountable. 

As I am preparing for a potential missionary life, I want to be the first to say I am not perfect.  I am exactly where I need to be right now, and that is ok.  Please pray for me in my moments of weakness, and ask God to help me be open to His will.

Loyalty vs. Longing

When I first graduated, I had a hard time finding a church home.  All I wanted was to be part of a parish.  To me, that meant community and support.  I wanted to have a place that felt like home, where I recognized the faces at mass and we lifted each other up in prayer.  For anyone that has ever joined a church, you know that does not always happen.  Churches are big places with a lot of people and different personalities.  There will always be people you bond with and people you do not.  When I moved to Houston, I was lucky to find the church I loved.  When I sat in the pew that first weekend, I knew that this place was going to be important.  A little old lady sitting next to me insisted on walking me over to the ministry fair where I was introduced to the youth minister.  Little did I know that my Houston family was beginning, and my goddaughter wasn't even born yet!

Outside of youth ministry, I do not have many connections to my parish.  I just have not been able to put roots down there.  I go to church on Sunday and volunteer at least one day a week, but the daily mass schedule does not work for me and I am missing the faith development I experienced at my last parish.  It's nothing to do with the church (obviously) I am just unsure whether it is still a good match.  On the other hand, the church is just a building and it is really made up of the people.  Am I putting in enough to make it home?

More and more, I find myself spending time at another parish.  It is much more traditional and I am finding peace in that.  I know that I am changing as a person, and it seems to line up more with who I am.  The young adult group gets together and prays the rosary.  They have a Latin mass.  They have a Saturday mass at 12:05, which is surprisingly hard to find!  I see the same group of people at daily mass, and they all have missals and copies of the Magnificat to help deepen their faith.  I don't have friends there, but I know that any I make will be centered on God first.

For now, I am not making any changes.  There is no need.  Gone are the days when you went to the church in your neighborhood, and I'm blessed to live in a city where I can find a mass any time I want.  Instead of worrying about my loyalties to a particular church, I want to focus on longing for a relationship with Christ.

Perfect for His Purpose

Like most 20-somethings, I struggle with feeling inadequate.  I am still adjusting to being an "adult."  I'm turning 27 in two weeks, so it's about time.  I continually feel completely behind everyone I know, and I straddle a very thin line between being insecure (not cute) and being realistic.  I do not expect to be the best at everything, even though I want to be.  I know that I am perfectly average at everything and I'm ok with that.  However, I always had this idea that God would have some amazing purpose for me and I would be really good at that.  Like, so good at it that everyone would recognize how awesome I am at it.  Totally selfish, not glorifying God, and I am able to admit that.  Swallowing my pride is still difficult, though!

Since I am growing up *cough* I have come to recognize that I will probably never be the best at something.  That's ok.  Well, I still don't like it, but it will be ok.  Instead, I wanted to focus more on how I am doing things than what the results are.  Specifically, I focused on doing things with love.  I had fallen into a rut with my students this year and I realized that I was not doing this, and I knew I needed to change.  I am a tough teacher, and I expect excellence every day from my students.  At the beginning of the year, I failed to take into account that this was a new group of students.  I found myself getting extremely frustrated when I would say "take out a piece of paper" and some students would just stare at me.  In working with my dean, I realized that this was not because of an unclear message but because they as a had never really learned what following directions looked like.  In order for these kids to be successful, they needed to be taught.  Since I really, really want my kids to be successful, I had to swallow my pride and do a lot of things that I consider babying, like having them put their finger on a certain part of the paper or repeating back the directions.  Surely 8th graders don't need to do that, right?  Wrong.  Mine did.  I went through a period where I did these things out of frustration, and it did not work well for the students or for myself.  In fact, I was an awful teacher.  I taught the facts but I did nothing to inspire them or show them how to be good people.

When I realized that it truly was inability to follow direction and not defiance that was leading to their issues, I was able to love them again.  Suddenly, I knew I needed to support them through additional activities.  Because I was doing it through love, it was infinitely less exhausting to me.  Also, shocker, they responded so much better.

I am not a perfect teacher, nor will I ever be.  I will probably not earn awards, and my students will not stand on their chairs like in Dead Poet's Society.  However, God has given me the ability to love my students and the desire to adjust to their needs.  He has given me a personality that will not settle and always seeks improvement.  He has given me a work ethic that makes the long hours possible, and a moral compass to realize how important urban education is.  He has made me into exactly who I need to be to best serve my students, but it is still up to me to show God's love when I'm teaching.  I didn't do that in the beginning of the year, and I failed my students because of it.  They deserved better.  When I opened my heart to share love with them, everything changed. Because of that moment, my kids are now thriving.

Teachers don't often get their work validated by their students, but I had that moment this week.  A student that struggled the most with following directions said to me, "Ms, your class is so easy-all you have to do is listen!" Good life advice, my friend!

The Power of a New Heart

When I first started teaching, I was most caught off guard by how much I loved my students. I mean, I knew I would love them but I did not know how I could possibly love 130 of them equally. Impossible, right?  My first year taught me just how wrong I was. I love those little stinkers and I worry about them constantly. The thought of anything happening to them makes me cry. I regularly pray for my students, both as a group and individually, because I know I can't keep them safe but God can. I was not always this way. In fact, before I started teaching, I took pride in how unemotional I could be. I refused to admit when I was hurt, and I was holding on to a lot of anger. 

My students managed to get to me in a way no one else had been able.  Through them, I began to see the world in a new light. I focused less on having everything be perfect and more on bring there for others. I used to think that meant having my own life in order and giving the best advice, but they showed me that it is really all about being excited for them. They could not care less if I don't have answer for them, they just want me to sit next to them and CARE. 

In today's morning prayer, one of the canticles was from Ezekiel 36. It says "I will give you a new heart and place a new spirit within you, taking from your bodies your stony hearts and giving you natural hearts."  God wants for us to remain open to him so that He can work through us. When I was hurting, I hardened my heart so much no one could get in, let alone God. Luckily, He loves us so much that nothing can stop him. Especially during Lent, stay focused on ways we can grow closer to God so that he can place a new spirit within us. 

What are the ways that you are hardening your heart?

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

For some reason, I LOVE Lent.  I know that it is supposed to be a time of sacrifice (and it is) but I can't help but get really excited about this entire time leading up to Easter, remembering daily that Christ suffered to bring us back in union with God.  That is the ultimate love story.

Every Lent, I struggle with what to give up.  The idea behind giving something up is to experience some sort of sacrifice daily.  Can we do anything that will be equally to the sacrifice Christ made for us?  Absolutely not.  Can we remind ourselves daily of the sacrifice He made for us?  Yes.  I agree 100% with that sentiment, but I know that it is also way too easy for me to fall into the "I'll give up candy for Jesus but really it's because I overloaded on Mardi Gras and feel sick" trap.  Instead, I like to focus on DOING something.  Last year, I did something nice for someone every day of Lent.  This year, in keeping with my overall goal of praying more, I created a prayer chain.  It is one of those old-school construction paper chains because I love doing crafts.  On each strip of paper, I wrote a prayer intention.  The idea behind it is, every day, I open one of the links at the end and that is my prayer challenge for the day.  Some of them were really simple like "pray for _____."  Some of them are harder challenges, like go to Eucharistic Adoration.  Some even surprised me as I was writing them...people's names just showed up on the paper and I realized, wow I really do need to pray for them even though it will be hard because they have hurt me.  I also learned that I am not the brightest and managed to write down vocations twice and missionaries at least three times.

By challenging my prayer life daily, I hope to deepen my relationship with Christ and also with those around me.  I am a much nicer person when my prayer life is in order, and I struggle with that when I am stressed.  Plus, I just really like surprises and luckily I forgot most of the ones I wrote down :)

In other news:  I bought a missal.  After terrifying my father with saying I was going to bring it to church, I convinced him it was a missAL not a missILE.

Learning to be Catholic

I was technically raised Catholic, but in all reality I was not introduced to many of the traditions of the Catholic faith as a child.  My mom really did try, but she was not raised Catholic and probably did not know many of them herself.  This was pre-internet and I cannot imagine trying to figure something out sans Google.    Due to my religious (or lack of religious) upbringing, the Catholic faith was always a giant mystery to me.  Mass was filled with people standing and kneeling, bowing at odd times, and a whole bunch of words that I did not know.  I wanted so badly to be a part of it that I would listen and watch carefully to try to figure out the secret behind it.  How did all of these people know the exact same words and actions?

My religious education, sadly, did not help out.  I tried to learn on my own.  I distinctly remember deciding to teach myself how to pray a rosary by writing out all of the prayers on construction paper and drawing a diagram of a rosary with arrows pointing to each bead labeling what prayer to say when.  I was so proud and would pray the rosary whenever I remembered, happy to be a part of a tradition that was so distinctly Catholic.  The rosary, in my mind, made me part of the "in crowd."

Flash forward to about six months ago.  A dear friend of mine was concerned that I was way too stressed out and not making God as much of a priority as I normally would.  He decided that we would meet up on Saturday morning, pray morning prayer together, and then have coffee.  We ended up praying a rosary together and I got quite the shock.  I had no idea what was going on.  Surprise, surprise:  I somehow taught myself the wrong way to pray a rosary.  There were words coming out of his mouth that I had absolutely never heard before, and I was mortified.  I thought I was finally at that point in my faith journey where there were not going to be surprises anymore.  I thought I finally knew enough about the Catholic religion that my days of embarrassment over being the only person who did not know the words were over.  All of the insecurity came back in a flash, and I have been hiding from the rosary since.  Luckily, my friend has been too kind to say anything.  I know he would help me if I asked, but I just could not.  I mean, I make rosaries, how could I admit I did not know how to pray one???

Instead, I Googled.  That is what millenials do.  I was too scared to try it for a long time, but I want to say that today, about one week before Lent begins, at the age of 27, I prayed my first rosary!  I finally know that there are mysteries and that those mysteries are said on different days.  Can I pray it without the assistance of the internet?  No way.  And that is ok.

God does not expect us to be perfect right off the bat.  All of us are weak in something, but he gives us the ability to figure it out.  Sometimes we need to rely on others to strengthen us like I relied on my friend, and sometimes He guides us in figuring it out on our own.

This Lenten season, I want to focus more on the rosary.  It is a new way for me to experience my faith, and that is what Lent is about.  Every day, I want to challenge myself to pray for someone different and praying using the rosary will help me be even more mindful while praying.  Lent (finishing with Easter) is my favorite time of the year, and I'm excited to be trying something new during this season. 

I challenge you to find that thing you have been hiding from and focus on that.  Maybe it's going to confession, maybe it's making it to mass, or daily mass, or praying the Liturgy of the Hours.  Find something within the faith that intimidates you a little bit and try it!  See what a difference 40 days can make.

Presentation of the Lord

Last week was not a great one in terms of me actually doing anything to forward my life plans.  I am building up to some major state tests, and we have district testing in about 10 days.  All of this leads to me being super stressed and not as focused on God as I want to be.  I know that things ebb and flow, but I also have a lot of big decisions ahead of me and would love to say that I am focusing on that first and foremost.  I am human and I am not perfect, and this week I flat out failed.  Luckily, it also gave me time to reflect on how important the Church has become in my life.  I was unable to make it to daily mass at all last week, and by Friday I was really upset about it.  Like, ready to cry in my car because I was so upset I didn't make it to mass.  Being separated from that for a week made me appreciate how important it really is to me. 

The church that I go to for daily mass is known for being very traditional, which I adore.  It can be intimidating on Sundays, but it is a part of my routine on weekdays.  I try to make it at least three times a week (twice at the traditional church, once on Thursdays to the church that I am a parishioner at.)  Today, I was especially glad I made it since it is the Presentation of the Lord! 

I was not raised in a very devout family so I cannot actually remember celebrating the Presentation of the Lord ever before.  As in, I'm almost 100% sure I have not...I thought we only walked in with candles on Easter?  Apparently not.  When combined with the Liturgy of the Hours (which is very closely related to the readings for the day at mass) it leads to a wonderful understanding of the story that I have never had before.  It struck me how amazingly lucky I am to be part of a church where I can not only go and celebrate God in community every single day, but I can also participate in my own house and classroom through LOTH.  I enjoy praying the LOTH daily, but whenever it is combined with a Feast day, I get that double whammy of Catholic awesomeness.

What I loved most about the Presentation of the Lord is a combination of the following three parts of the Evening Prayer II:

 

"It pleased God to make absolute fullness reside in him and, by means of him, to reconcile everything in his person, both on earth and in the heavens, making peace through the blood of the cross.  (Colossians 1:19-20)

 

We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who was tempted in every way that we are, yet never sinned.  So let us confidently approach the throne of grace to receive mercy and favor and to find help in time of need.  (Hebrews 4:15-16)

 

Behold, this child is destined
for the fall and rise of many in Israel,
and to be a sign that will be contradicted
—and you yourself a sword will pierce—
so that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed.” (Luke 2:34-35)

In these three verses, we see that God so loved us that he sent his son as fully man and fully God in order to make it possible for us to be saved.  Our sin was so great that this was truly the only way.  He was born to a virgin who knew that it was not going to be up to her.  She knew that her son was not truly hers and that her heart would be pierced with pain so that we could all be saved.  Instead of wanting to protect her son (as would, of course, be very natural) she continued to submit to God's will and trust in Him.  Because of this, Jesus is not only our savior but he was a man, which means that he experienced loss and betrayal.  He wept when his friends died and when he saw others in pain.  However, he was also able to then go to the cross and die to create a way for our souls to be saved.

 

As I continue to work on filling out my application and figuring out what role I am to play in the church, I pray that I accept hardships and suffering as part of God's plan for me, and that I continue to do whatever I can to praise God first and foremost.

It's Getting Real

I finally received my formal application today, and it just drove home how excited I am about this process.  It took me over 12 hours to even work up the courage to open it!  All of the information I read aligned with what I am looking to accomplish in mission work and in life.  Of course, this also terrifies me.  I have a ridiculous fear of admitting when I want something because then I will be embarrassed if I don't get it.  I didn't tell people I was thinking about changing careers until I had been thinking about it for 5 years and seriously planning it for a year.  I have been thinking about mission work on and off for about 10 years now, and it is only in the last week that I have really told people I am serious about it.  The fear comes from my own ego and wanting to protect my pride, which is selfish.  People want to be a part of this journey and are genuinely excited for me, and I want to be able to share this with them.  Even if it does not work out, they will understand me a little better.

On that note, imagine my surprise when I opened the application and there was a question specifically asking how people had reacted upon hearing about my desire to do mission work!  As scared as I was to do it, I have spent the last week telling family and friends about my next steps, and their reactions have been amazing.

Mom:  I always thought you would do that.  Ok, so we will sell all of your stuff and you can live here right before you go to training.  Leave me with access to a bank account so we can handle your student loan payments.  (Zero shock, straight to planning.)

Dad:  *immediately logs onto Google*  Holy s*** Bolivia is really far away!

Mom again:  Please don't go to El Salvador, you will die.

Family email chain:  That is so cool!  What will you do?  Where will you go?  Quickly turned into jokes about drugs and sex.  I would expect nothing less, and would have been horribly disappointed had they reacted any other way.

Friend from church:  Selfishly I want you to stay here, but I also want you to go.  (she then put a prayer intention into our mass for those discerning mission work and I almost cried.  By far the sweetest thing anyone has every done for me.  The power of prayer gets me.  EVERY.  TIME.)

Another friend from church:  That is awesome, you are an inspiration (Ha!)

A friend who did mission work:  I hope you go to El Salvador.  I can visit you there.  They are so going to choose you.

Coworkers:  Wow cool!  What do you mean "discern?"

All in all, a success.  Now to actually finish the application.

Fishers of Men

Part of my discernment process, the most rewarding part, has been focusing on my prayer life.  A very dear friend of mine introduced me to the Liturgy of the Hours, and I love to pray as many hours as I can manage.  It has been a rough adjustment to get used to it (finding my place in my breviary, figuring out what to do with all the ribbons, etc.), but I am definitely glad that I stuck with it!

Today is the Third Sunday in Ordinary Time, and today's antiphon for Morning Prayer struck me as especially fitting in my life.  "Come, follow me, says the Lord;  I will make you fishers of men."  Then, I went to mass, where we heard about Nineveh and the way they were saved when they repented, as well as when Jesus called Simon, Andrew, James, and John.  All of them were fishermen, but answer Jesus's call while they were mending their nets and became "fishers of men."

When I hear stories about the early church, I can't help but be struck with how brave they must have been.  It is easy, with the 2000 years of hindsight we have now, to forget what a crazy decision that must have felt like at the time.  It really puts my current decision into perspective.  More than likely, I will not be killed for choosing to follow Christ.  I will not be thrown in jail or hide from my persecutors.  I live in an age where being a Catholic is, for the most part, acceptable.  There are certainly parts of the world where this is not so, but I personally have never had to face that.  In choosing mission work, in giving up my comfortable life for God, I am able to experience a small part of what the early church was charged with.  I will get to go out into the world and show God's love.  Hopefully, I will answer this call even half as bravely as the apostles did.

This morning, I chose to pray the alternative prayer because it was so beautiful.

Almighty Father,
The love you offer
always exceeds the furthest expression of our human longing,
for you are greater than the human heart.
Direct each thought, each effort of our life,
so that the limits of our faults and weaknesses
may not obscure the vision of your glory
or keep us from the peace you have promised.
We as this through Christ our Lord.

Dear Lord, please guide us as we discern what you are calling us to in life.

A New Journey Begins

"As I said, the heart of your question has no reply. Only when we too can cry about the things you said can we come close to answering that question. Why do children suffer so much? Why do children suffer? When the heart is able to ask itself and weep, then we can understand something. There is a worldly compassion which is useless. You expressed something like this. It’s a compassion that makes us put our hands in our pockets and give something to the poor. But if Christ had had that kind of compassion he would have greeted a couple of people, given them something, and walked on. But it was only when he was able to cry that he understood something of our lives. Dear young boys and girls, today’s world doesn’t know how to cry. The emarginated people, those left to one side, are crying. Those who are discarded are crying. But we don’t understand much about these people in need. Certain realities of life we only see through eyes cleansed by our tears. I invite each one here to ask yourself: have I learned how to weep? Have I learned how to weep for the emarginated or for a street child who has a drug problem or for an abused child? Unfortunately there are those who cry because they want something else.

This is the first thing I want to say: let us learn how to weep as she has shown us today and let us not forget this lesson. The great question of why so many children suffer, she did this in tears. The response that we can make today is: let us really learn how to weep.

In the Gospel, Jesus cried for his dead friend, he cried in his heart for the family who lost its child, for the poor widow who had to bury her son. He was moved to tears and compassion when he saw the crowds without a pastor. If you don’t learn how to cry, you cannot be a good Christian. This is a challenge. When they posed this question to us, why children suffer, why this or that tragedy occurs in life – our response must be either silence or a word that is born of our tears. Be courageous, don’t be afraid to cry."

-Pope Francis, Encounter with the Youth (January 2015)

As Catholics, we should never accept that children suffer.  Instead, we should weep with them and do what we can to, in our own little way, show God's love.  In my life, I am currently entering the discernment process for mission work.  I am lucky that God has a track record of picking people who felt completely unworthy.  This blog begins as a way for me to record my own experiences along the path of discernment.  Hopefully, through God's grace, it will change to a record of my time as a missionary.  Throughout all, I hope that this blog will glorify God.